


There is no such thing as a beautiful goodbye

by SweetHeaven



Category: Free!
Genre: Anal Sex, Angst, Fingering, Goodbye Sex, M/M, More angst, handjobs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-04
Updated: 2020-10-04
Packaged: 2021-03-07 17:27:09
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,185
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26821369
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SweetHeaven/pseuds/SweetHeaven
Summary: Haruka felt that a kiss tasted different and a caress could hurt when you knew that they would be the last, but he couldn't leave Rin without spending one more night with him. If only he could tell him that it was goodbye...
Relationships: Nanase Haruka/Matsuoka Rin
Comments: 17
Kudos: 34





	There is no such thing as a beautiful goodbye

**Author's Note:**

> This story is based on the idea "goodbye sex when only one of them knows it is goodbye" by Twitter user mutedtrash100. I don't know this person, I don't know which fandom they belong to and I don't think they will ever read this, but, as they say, "credit where credit is due". Thanks for sharing that thought publicly!
> 
> To Sapphie, who brought the idea to my attention, to IDetestTragedy for their great gift-fic, and to my dearest Riri1342 for everything, always.
> 
> This is not beta-read and English is not my first language. Any mistakes are solely mine and I apologise for any incorrect or cringeworthy word/sentence I may have written.
> 
> This AU isn't set in real Japan. Also, I didn't use Japanese honorifics because I don't know enough about them to be sure that I'm using them properly.
> 
> The title comes from a line in the song "Last night on earth" by Delta Goodrem.

"Master Nanase, we are here," an emotionless, deep voice reached Haruka's ears from the coachman's seat.

"Excellent," Ichiro Nanase, Haruka's father, replied clapping his knees cheerfully, and then he rubbed his hands while they waited for the lackey to open the carriage door for them.

The gesture felt obscenely greedy in Haruka's eyes.

He suspected that his father was very excited to be attending the party at the Matsuokas' manor, considering that just some weeks before they had thought that they would never be invited to such an event again.

The door finally opened, but before Haruka could set a foot out of the carriage, his father's hand shot up, grabbing his arm with a strength that might have caused bruises in an arm which was more delicate than Haruka's.

"Remember, you are not allowed to tell anyone," Ichiro spat, his severe eyes sending a shiver down Haruka's spine.

Haruka gulped.

"Yes, father," he said, hiding any trace of emotion in his voice.

His father let go of his arm and leant back.

"Haruka, dear..." his mother whispered, placing a hand on her heart.

Haruka suspected she was trying to sound understanding, and a part of him appreciated the fact that at least she cared about how angry he was. How _hurt_.

But it was not as if she could do anything to change Haruka's fate, anyway. His father's word was final.

Haruka just nodded at her and tried to smile, but his lips felt as if they were made of stone and he couldn't do it.

His mother's gaze fell to the floor.

Haruka felt sorry for her. None of that was her fault, and, in a way, she was as much of a victim of Ichiro Nanase's bad choices as Haruka was.

If Haruka had agreed to follow his father's orders, it was mainly for her and his grandmother. Haruka truly loved the elderly woman, and he was sure that her fragile heart wouldn't be able to bear the shame of seeing the family name tarnished by her son's behaviour.

When Haruka pondered on what lay ahead of him because of his father's actions, he could only think of the reputation he had to protect, and of the people he was going to lose.

If he had had a different life, he would have never found himself in such a predicament. Then again, if he had had a different life, he would have never met the man he had come to love more than anything.

After all, being a Nanase, as it happened with most renowned families in the city, had its lights and its shadows.

Kenji Nanase, Haruka's great-great-grandfather, had made a fortune as a merchant, and he had become even wealthier after some wise investments in different flourishing industries benefitting from the technical advances of the time.

Haruka had a sheltered childhood while the Nanases's fortune kept growing.

Besides, Ichiro's second cousin had married a duke, which had contributed to the family's prominence and reputation.

Thanks to that social relevance, they had befriended many other rich families, including the Matsuokas, their hosts that night.

The Matsuoka business was run by the family's eldest son, Rin, who was only nineteen years old, like Haruka, but had been in charge for one year already, since his mother had deemed him mature enough to take the place of his belated father as the head of the company.

Rin Matsuoka was smart, hard-working and kind. He was funny and stubborn. He was pushy and a bit childish at times, but he was loyal and generous. He was strong-willed and fierce. He was witty and handsome.

And he also was the love of Haruka's life.

Haruka and Rin had met when they were twelve, at a little soirée organized by the Nanases by the lake in their country estate.

Truth be told, Haruka had found Rin annoying at first. The other child seemed to feel the need to challenge him whenever he had the chance.

First, he had claimed that he could run to the dessert table faster than Haruka.

Once they were there, he had shouted, throwing his fist in the air, that he could eat more chocolates than Haruka in the same amount of time.

Later that evening, he had claimed that he could climb to the big tree in the middle of the patio faster and more skilfully than Haruka.

Haruka knew he had no reason to go along with Rin's antics, yet he had found himself unable to back down from those stupid challenges.

When the moon was already high in the sky, Rin had suddenly exclaimed, 'Race me, Nanase!' pointing at the lake. 'To that rock!'

Haruka had accepted keenly, as he loved water and he was pretty good at swimming.

That moment had changed everything. The second Haruka had dived into the cold water, he had felt that the energy around him was different from usual.

Haruka considered water his sanctuary and he usually liked to have the lake for himself. He loved the peace and calm it brought to his soul.

But with Rin joining him, Haruka felt as if the water had been hit by a lightning bolt. To be precise, it felt as if a huge storm was battering the lake, turning it into a violent ocean of unbridled power.

Haruka felt that force could crush him, but, strangely, he wasn't afraid. He was _elated_.

He felt more alive than he had ever felt. Rin seemed to shine under the water, like a guiding light pulling Haruka towards him.

It was blinding, and at the same time, it had the power to make him see things more clearly than ever.

Rin showed him a sight that Haruka had never seen before.

When they touched the rock —at the same time, to Haruka's surprise— and both emerged from the water, Rin smiled at him and the world around them disappeared for Haruka.

Rin was all he could see.

And, unlike the previous part of the evening, Haruka was far from bothered by Rin's overwhelming presence. 

What had felt annoyingly intense suddenly felt pleasantly warm.

And while Haruka had spent most of the evening hoping for the soirée to end soon so that Rin would leave, now the mere idea of saying goodbye was unexpectedly upsetting.

The moment was magical, but it all had ended when their parents started to shout at them to get out of the lake immediately.

They had been scolded in front of everyone for their recklessness and, back in the house, when all the guests had already left, Haruka had been severely punished.

He didn't care.

Swimming with Rin had been totally worth it. If a few spanks were the price to pay, then he would gladly welcome them.

At thirteen, they had become friends.

At fourteen, they were inseparable.

At fifteen, they kissed for the first time and then they avoided each other for two weeks because they were too embarrassed about it to be in the same room. When they finally met again, they both confessed.

At sixteen, Rin fucked Haruka senseless against the wall of the barn behind the main house. Haruka still could recall the feeling of the rough surface on his back, scratching his skin deep despite his silk shirt, and he could also remember how painful it was and how little he cared.

Their mothers, Hanare Nanase and Miyako Matsuoka, had become very good friends through the years, so it was usual for them to visit each other's manors. Haruka and Rin had the perfect excuse to see each other almost daily.

And when they couldn't meet, they sent each other private messages —openly romantic in Rin's case, much more discreet in Haruka's— in carefully sealed envelopes through their personal servants.

Things got more complicated when Rin turned seventeen and his mother decided that it was time for him to take the reins of the family business she had been running since her husband passed away.

Although Rin didn't have to start working immediately, he had to study more and he usually had to accompany her mother in her daily tasks to learn the ropes, so the time Haruka could spend with him was dramatically reduced.

But even then, they found ways to do things together, like swimming in the lake at Haruka's estate or galloping to their favourite secluded area in the forest, where more often than not one of them ended up riding more than the horse.

Haruka treasured those moments and he realised that his love for the other boy grew stronger each day, surprising even himself, because whenever they said goodbye, he thought it was impossible to love someone more than he loved Rin, yet the following day, at the sight of Rin's smile, he fell even deeper.

Their transition from friends to lovers happened in such a natural way that Haruka couldn't pinpoint the exact moment in which he decided he wanted to spend the rest of his life with none but Rin Matsuoka.

Yet fate was cruel, and his father was even crueller, and Haruka wouldn't be allowed to live his life as he wanted with the man he loved.

He wouldn't even be given one more day.

One night was all they got, and he couldn't even tell Rin.

Due to Ichiro's recent bad decisions, and, most of all, due to his taste for gambling and other unsavoury habits about which Haruka didn't even want to think, the Nanases's fortune was virtually gone.

By some kind of miracle, they had been able to hide it so far, but they knew they would run out of luck soon, and Haruka's father had wasted no time in looking for a solution.

He had diligently immersed himself in finding an appropriate wife for Haruka, a convenient spouse who had appeared in the shape of a certain Aki Yazaki.

The Yazakis were new money and they were dying to get some connections that gave them a good reputation and the respect that their wealth couldn't buy.

By marrying their children, the Nanases got the money and the Yazakis got the name, a win/win situation for everyone involved except, of course, Haruka and probably Aki Yazaki.

Naturally, Ichiro didn't want anyone to find out the truth behind the deal, as he didn't want the family name to be mocked.

Yutaka, the Yazakis patriarch, preferred to keep it a secret, too, since he prided himself on being a modern man, and he didn't want people to know he had used his daughter as a bargaining chip. Even though such a thing was not uncommon in their world, he liked to act as if he was a man ahead of his time who didn't condone something as outdated as a marriage of convenience.

And he probably thought that showing how desperate he was to be in high society's good graces would make him look pathetic.

Haruka suspected that Ichiro despised the Yazakis and everything they represented and, at first, he had been sure that his father would change his mind and would look for a different solution that didn't imply establishing any kind of relationship with those he considered 'inferior' to him.

Some days later, however, Haruka overheard a conversation between his parents and any hope he cherished in his heart was cruelly shattered to pieces: once they had devised their plan, it was impossible for Ichiro to back out. Yazaki had made it abundantly clear that, if Ichiro didn't keep his word, he would have no qualms about explaining everyone the sordid details of their nightly adventures. After all, he didn't have a reputation to protect.

The official version would be that Haruka had been sent away to study and he had met Aki by chance. Supposedly, he would court her for some months before asking for her hand, she would say yes and they would get married as soon as possible.

Their parents would arrange a beautiful villa for them to live in once they were allowed to come back, something that wouldn't happen immediately after the wedding because they didn't want any of their acquaintances to notice that the newlyweds barely knew each other.

The plan was perfect, the Nanases fortune would be saved, and the Yazakis would be connected with one of the most respected families in town.

And it all would start the following day.

Haruka felt his stomach churn at the idea, at the memory of one of his housemaids getting his suitcases ready so that he could leave first thing in the morning, while his valet helped him to get ready for the party.

Closing his eyes, he took a deep breath, mustering the courage he knew he would need to face Rin. He had to do this for his family.

Exhaling heavily through his nose, he got out of the carriage, followed by his haughty father and by his mother, who had plastered a smile to her red lips that couldn't hide the sadness in her eyes.

.

.

.

The front area was already crowded when Haruka started to walk the stone path towards the house.

Some of the guests had already taken a glass and had headed outside, preferring the pleasant temperature in the beautifully decorated garden over the stuffy atmosphere inside.

Haruka spotted Gou Matsouka, Rin's younger sister, chatting with her friends, Chigusa Hanamura, Isuzu Mikoshiba and Ayumu Kunikida. The four girls were whispering and giggling, pointing at a group of four young men in a way which was way less discreet than they probably thought.

Haruka was quite fond of the four girls. He had got to spend a lot of time around them because of his frequent visits to Rin's house, and, even though he was not a social person, he had learned to appreciate their company, their positive attitude, their innocent jokes and their kind personalities.

For a second, he wondered if Rin would end up marrying one of his sister's friends. Haruka suspected that Isuzu Mikoshiba had a crush on Rin, if the way she blushed around him and seemed to lose track of whatever she was saying whenever he came into the room was anything to go by.

Isuzu looked very pretty that night, and Haruka wouldn't be surprised if she tried to get Rin's attention at the party. After all, she was at an age in which she should start considering potential suitors.

The idea of Rin getting married to anyone who wasn't him —not that _he_ could actually marry _him_ —was so painful, but at least he knew Isuzu was a good girl and her family were genuinely decent people. Perhaps she would be able to make Rin happy.

But not tonight. _'Sorry, Isuzu,'_ Haruka thought, _'but you will have to wait.'_

He entered the richly lit hall and scanned the room, trying to find his lover. Every second was precious and he didn't want to waste any time.

There were too many people around, but Rin, with his bright, red hair, shouldn't be that difficult to spot.

As if summoned by Haruka's thoughts, Rin appeared right behind him, tapping his shoulder.

"Haru!" he exclaimed overjoyed, which drawn some disapproving glances his way.

Despite his sadness, Haruka couldn't help but smile at the sound of the affectionate name only Rin used for him.

"Rin," he whispered, turning to his lover.

The sight left him breathless. 

Rin looked stunning in his tailored black suit. His white satin vest shone under the bright light and his elaborately tied cravat gave him a sophisticated, mature air that did things to both Haruka's heart and his groin.

"What?" Rin asked, probably feeling self-conscious under Haruka's stare, if the way he started to rub his neck was anything to go by.

"Nothing. You just look… very handsome tonight," Haruka said, unable to hide the awe in his voice, and not really wanting to.

He wanted Rin to know how beautiful he found him. He wanted him to understand that he had the power to take Haruka's breath away with just one look.

It probably wouldn't help his lover at all to overcome the pain the next morning, or any morning afterwards, but still, it was important for Haruka to show him in some way how precious he was in his eyes.

"Haru!" Rin squeaked, half-scandalized, half-amused.

Haruka laughed softly, shaking his head.

"You… you look very handsome, too," Rin said averting his eyes, his blushing cheeks evident though he tried to turn his face away from Haruka's gaze.

"Thank you," Haruka said, and then, very slowly, looking around to make sure none was watching them, he grabbed Rin's hand and pressed it for some seconds.

He let go when a servant approached carrying a tray full of meticulously arranged canapés.

"Try that one," Rin winked, pointing at a small rounded appetizer covered in some mousse-like substance.

"It doesn't look too good," Haruka said in a dull voice, feigning indifference. He was only joking, but when he saw Rin's face falling, he immediately grabbed the small piece of unidentifiable food and took a bite.

His eyes widened when he recognized the flavour.

"Is this…?" he started to ask after swallowing.

"Mackerel mousse," Rin's smile was back full force. "I asked them to prepare a special mackerel recipe just for you," he said, leaning forward to whisper in Haruka's ear. But suddenly, as if he had realized where they were, he took a step back. "Well, I didn't tell them it was for you! I mean, I- I just…" he stuttered, shaking his hands in the air.

Haruka laughed at his reaction. He had figured out as much, anyway. Obviously, Rin wouldn't go around making stupid mistakes like revealing their affaire to the cooks in the house, or anyone else, for that matter.

"I know," Haruka said, placing a placating hand on Rin's shoulder. "Thank you very much," he added with a soft smile. God, he was going to miss Rin so much.

Painfully aware of the fact that they were running out of time, he turned on his heels and headed for the corridor that led to the library, desperate to have even just some minutes alone with him.

He could only hope that the place would be deserted.

Rin just followed him, probably wondering where he was going so abruptly. 

To Haruka's disappointment, when they reached the big, wooden door, it was locked.

"Don't you have the key?" Haruka asked, impatience dripping from his voice.

"Uh, not here? I don't carry a key to all the rooms in the house all the time, Haru. Do I look like the housekeeper?" Rin rolled his eyes.

Haruka used to find that gesture irritating, but, at that moment, it almost felt like a provocation. Rin had that kind of power over him, making him feel as if he was teasing him even over the most stupid things.

Haruka didn't care if he was being teased. He pushed Rin against the wall and started to kiss and lick his neck.

Rin was too shocked to react for several seconds, but when he did, he pushed Haruka away.

"What are you doing? Are you crazy? Someone might see us!" he hissed.

"I don't care," Haruka stated, even though he knew that it wasn't true. And Rin did, too.

He looked at him, his eyes questioning Haruka's bold actions.

"I need you," Haruka said because there was no point in trying to come up with an excuse for his behaviour. "I need you, now."

"Tsk," Rin clicked his tongue, keeping Haruka at arm's length. He sighed and shook his head. "Come with me," he said, walking past Haruka towards the stairs and not even turning to check if he was following him.

Haruka trailed behind him.

They had to stop a couple of times to greet people Rin knew. Everyone wanted to congratulate him on the lovely party and thank him for the invitation.

Haruka felt sick. All those people were unlikely to appreciate Rin truly.

He had heard them talk in other parties, in other places. They found Rin too immature, too feisty, too eager, too young, _too everything_.

Yet here they were, stealing Rin's attention, ruining the little, precious time Haruka had to be with him.

He hated them. He hated them all with a passion. They were the ones who were so focused on appearances that they forced other people to worry so much about their reputation that they would go to any lengths to save face.

If people weren't like this, none would care about the scandalous things Haruka's father had done. Haruka wouldn't have to save his family name. He wouldn't have to marry Aki Yazaki. He wouldn't have to leave Rin.

"What a wonderful party!" a middle-aged woman was saying, batting her fake eyelashes at Rin and running her finger up and down his arm.

_ 'You could be his mother,' _ Haruka thought bitterly, annoyed by her attitude.

What did she want from Rin? Some kind of sexual affair because he was young and handsome? A marriage of convenience because he was rich and powerful? Perhaps she was looking for a good husband for her daughter?

"Ah, thank you," Rin replied, looking awkwardly to the side. "It's my mother's merit, mostly."

"Oh, your mother, what a remarkable woman!" she said, obviously trying to fall in Rin's good graces _and still touching his arm_.

"Oh, do you know her?" Haruka interrupted, unable to stop himself. "That's not surprising, you must move in the same circles, considering that you must be of the same age," he smirked.

The woman gasped at his insolence, removing her hand from Rin's arms as if she had been burnt. Glaring at both of them before leaving, she coldly said, "Good night, Mr Matsuoka."

"Good night, Mrs Haruno," Rin replied with a curt nod.

When she disappeared from their sight, Rin turned to Haruka, anger written all over his face.

"Haru! That was so rude! What were you thinking? His husband is an important client!" he muttered through gritted teeth.

"She was being inappropriate," Haruka huffed. As if _he_ was not about to do _very_ inappropriate things to Rin in a few minutes.

"I would have handled it! Now I will have to find a way to apologise…" Rin said with a thoughtful expression.

Haruka was mad at that woman for flirting with Rin, but, most of all, he was mad at himself. He had insulted one of Rin's clients out of jealousy. The next morning he would be gone, and Rin would be left to clean the mess.

And what had Haruka tried to do, anyway? Was there any point in trying to claim Rin as his in front of other people when he was about to abandon him, anyway?

"I'm sorry," he muttered, eyes on the floor.

Rin sighed. "It's ok, I'll figure something out. Just, don't do it again, ok?"

"I promise I won't," Haruka replied in a firm voice. At least that was a promise he could keep.

Rin smiled and beckoned Haruka to follow him.

They went upstairs, Rin nodding politely at every guest they came across but without engaging in conversation.

The first floor was much quieter than the ground floor, but it wasn't empty. Even though not many guests would venture there on their own, that kind of party was a good occasion to discuss business with potential partners. Often, those involved in such conversations preferred the privacy of a not-so-crowded area.

They reached the door of Rin's bedroom, which Rin opened swiftly.

Before Haruka could follow him inside, Rin pressed a hand against his chest.

"Wait here, I'll be back in a second," he said, looking around before placing a placating kiss on Haruka's cheek.

Haruka did as told and waited outside the bedroom. He wondered what Rin was planning. 

Haruka had spent many nights in his lover's chamber and he couldn't understand why Rin hadn't invited him in.

Hadn't Haruka made his intentions clear enough? He understood that perhaps Rin didn't expect him to be so… _eager_ at a crowded party, but it wouldn't be the first time they had been reckless.

The door behind him opened and he turned around just to find Rin wearing a broad grin and shaking a small bottle filled with a clear fluid that Haruka didn't recognize.

"Let's go," Rin said, looking around to make sure that the coast was clear before grabbing Haruka's hand and breaking into a run.

"Where are we going?" Haruka asked after several moments, feeling breathless not because of the exercise, but because of the soft giggles coming from Rin's mouth that were making his heart clench in joy and pain at the same time.

"Upstairs, to the servants' rooms," Rin replied looking back over his shoulder.

Well, that was new. Haruka had never been in the servants' rooms in the Matsuokas's house.

He had never been in the servants' rooms in _his own house_.

And why would Rin even want to go to such a place?

He didn't have the time to ask, though, because they reached a narrow, wooden door at the end of the empty corridor.

Rin opened a small box on the wall and rummaged through it until he picked two keys.

Looking over his shoulder again to make sure that they were alone, Rin used the biggest key to open the door and then put it back into the box.

Behind the door, there was a steep staircase that led to a dimly lit corridor.

"Let's go," Rin whispered, even though none could hear them. That just contributed to the overall feeling of secrecy.

Usually, Haruka was not bothered by the fact that their relationship was clandestine. Rin had once said that it made it even more romantic, and that had somehow made them find at least a positive thing in the fact that their love was doomed to be forever hidden.

However, that night it was particularly painful. If they were allowed to be together, Haruka would have asked Rin to marry him the moment it had been legal for them to tie the knot. If they had been married, none of this would be happening.

If only they could…

The soft touch of Rin's fingers on his cheek brought Haruka back to reality.

"You are spacing out," Rin frowned. "Ok, I know this is not the most romantic place ever, but I can explain!" he said, leading Haruka upstairs.

Haruka arched an eyebrow and Rin laughed at his scepticism.

"It's less risky to do it here. All the servants are working downstairs and there's not a chance that they come back to their rooms in hours," Rin elaborated while he led the way down the corridor, counting the doors on the left side.

"And would someone go to _your_ room?" Haruka asked, half-amused, half-concerned. An image of Isuzu Mikoshiba sneaking into Rin's room to wait for him crossed his mind for a brief moment.

"Of course not!" Rin chuckled. "Or well, maybe Mrs Haruno…" he winked, but dropped the joke at once when Haruka stopped abruptly and glared at him.

"Then?" Haruka asked, still irritated, but trying to keep away any trace of coldness from his voice. He didn't want to argue with Rin.

"Well, in theory, none should go into my room uninvited, but still, the corridor is not off-limits for guests, so someone might see us… Besides, if I'm missing from the party for a very long time and my mother sends someone to look for me, my room is the first place they will search."

"Do you plan on us being missing for 'a very long time'?" Haruka smirked making air quotes, his previous annoyance completely forgotten at the sight of Rin's blushing cheeks.

"Shut up," Rin just murmured, caught off guard by Haruka's cheeky remark.

"Hey, Rin," Haruka said when Rin started to walk again, "I understand why we are doing this, but, well, don't you think it might be a bit disrespectful to use one of your servants' room as a love nest?"

"It would be disrespectful, indeed," Rin replied, his face darkening. "But the person who used to occupy the room we're going to is no longer a member of the household service. He was fired," he finished, stopping in front of one of the doors.

"Why? What happened?" Haruka asked, surprised. He knew Rin appreciated the servants in his house. Most of them had been working for the family for many years. They had seen Rin grow up.

Rin sighed, a troubled expression on his face.

"We found out that he was selling information from our company to our competitors. Can you believe it? He had been working here for twenty years! He had a good salary, he was treated with respect. We care about our people! Do you think we treat our servants well, Haru?" he asked, sounding more upset than Haruka had ever heard him. 

Haruka would have replied that he did think so, but Rin didn't even let him speak. 

"I still can't understand why he did it. If I hadn't seen the evidence with my own eyes, I wouldn't have believed it. When he was caught, he said that they had offered him a lot of money," he lowered his head, defeated, and occupied himself in unlocking the door with the key he had retrieved from the box downstairs.

Haruka understood Rin's distress. His lover was a good man, and he was a good boss. He had seen him many times addressing his employees, both the servants and the company workers.

Rin knew them by name. He was kind and generous. He genuinely cared about the people who worked for him. Most of all, he was respectful. He never treated them as if they were inferior just because he was their boss.

Yet someone had chosen to betray him for money. Not just Rin, but everyone who worked for them. If Rin's competitors used the information they had bought to have the upper hand in their industry and that affected the Matusokas's company and fortune, what would be of Rin's workers and servants? Of this man's former co-workers? How was it possible that he didn't care? How could he betray all of them for money?

In all honesty, Haruka had never needed money. He had never had to work for it or to worry about it. None of the wealth he had to his name had been earned by him, so perhaps it was arrogant of him to assume that he would never do something like what the servant had done.

Haruka wanted to think that, regardless of his origins or his privileged position, he was better than that.

Then again, wasn't he betraying Rin for money, too? Perhaps not in the same way the servant had done it but, wasn't he putting his family's fortune before Rin's love?

The realization hit him so hard that it almost felt like a physical punch. He was no better than the servant. It didn't really matter if their motivations were different. It surely wouldn't matter to Rin once he had had his heart-broken by someone he trusted.

He felt the impulse to turn away and leave. He suddenly was very aware of the fact that he didn't _deserve_ that last night with Rin.

He didn't deserve to embrace him, to kiss him, to be loved by him.

If Haruka had any dignity left, he would find an excuse to stop Rin from opening that door and he would convince him to go back to the party.

However, he fought against that impulse, his dignity be damned. He knew he was selfish, but he couldn't miss the chance of spending that one last night with the love of his life.

The sound of the door unlocking brought him back to reality.

The moment they entered the room, Haruka embraced Rin from behind, not sure whether he wanted to comfort him or himself. 

"I'm sorry about that servant," he finally said, his voice muffled by the thick fabric of Rin's jacket.

"Thanks," Rin sighed. Then, making it clear that he wanted to drop the topic, he added, "Well, I know this is not as nice as my bedroom, but it's not too bad, right?"

Haruka moved his head slightly to look around. It was a plain room, modestly furnished, but very clean.

The bed didn't have any linen, but the mattress seemed to be in good condition, with no mould or stains.

Haruka was surprised by the  wrought iron headboard. It wasn't luxurious, but it was definitely more elaborate than Haruka would expect in a servant's room.

Just more evidence of how considerate the Matsuokas were regarding their domestic staff. It made him feel even worse for Rin, and, suddenly, the way he was embracing him felt very protective.

Rin made a move as if he was going to turn around and free himself from Haruka's hold, but Haruka hugged him tighter. 

He pressed his face against Rin's shoulder and exhaled. The smell of expensive cologne filled his nostrils. It was not Rin's usual choice, and that somehow disappointed Haruka.

They would make love for the last time in the unfamiliar, austere room of a stranger who happened to be a traitor, being conscious of the fact that they couldn't indulge in much foreplay since they would have to come back to the party at some point, and, just as the icing on the cake, Rin wouldn't even smell like _Rin_.

Not wanting those depressing thoughts to drag him down and kill the mood, Haruka grabbed Rin's arm and forced him to turn around.

Before he could even utter a word, Haruka pushed him against the door, just like he had done some minutes before in the corridor.

He went for his mouth first, pressing his lips tight against Rin's and brushing his neck with his trembling fingers. Rin tasted like wine.

Then, he moved his head fast, attacking Rin's face from a different angle, and then another, and another, kissing his cheekbone, his chin, his lips again, his forehead, his neck.

"Ha- Haru! What's with you today?" Rin laughed between kisses.

_ 'Nothing,' _ Haru wanted to reply, but he couldn't. He didn't want to lie. Not to Rin. Somehow, he had managed to convince himself that omitting the truth was somewhat better than lying.

So, instead of answering Rin's question, he searched for his mouth again, devouring it with his wet lips, biting Rin's sinful tongue, desperately trying to make him shut up even though he wanted nothing more than to keep hearing the voice he loved so much, knowing that after that night Rin would never talk to him again.

He changed positions and took a couple of unsteady steps forward, never letting go of Rin, until they reached the modest bed.

He pushed Rin down gently until he was sitting on the bed and he sat next to him.

The mattress was too soft to his liking, but he was not going to complain about such a trivial detail when he knew he should be grateful to have that last chance to be with the other in such an intimate way.

He continued his assault to Rin's mouth, which seemed to have effectively made his lover stop questioning his actions.

He took Rin's jacket off, then his vest, and when he started to struggle with the buttons of his shirt, Rin stopped him, realizing what he was trying to do.

"We don't have time for that, and it took me quite a long time to get properly dressed, you know?" Rin complained.

Haru just stared at him. This was their last time. He didn't want to pull Rin's trousers down to his knees and have him crouch on all fours for a rushed encounter.

Knowing that trying to convince Rin was a waste of time —short, precious time they couldn't afford to waste—, he just grasped both sides of Rin's shirt and jerked it open, buttons flying everywhere.

"Haru!!" Rin shrieked, totally caught off guard.

"I'll bring you another one from your room later," Haruka said, leaning down to kiss Rin's collarbone.

"One that matches the rest of the outfit? I doubt so," Rin huffed, but he put his arms around Haruka's shoulders anyway to bring him even closer.

Haruka licked Rin's chest, taking great pleasure in the undignified sound that left Rin's throat when he circled his left nipple with his tongue.

He leaned backwards to remove his own jacket and shirt, his eyes never leaving Rin's lust-filled face.

Rin bit his lips when he saw Haruka's naked torso and the tightness in Haruka's trousers increased tenfold at the sight.

He leaned over Rin to kiss him on the lips, rubbing his still-encaged cock against Rin's thigh.

"Haru… Let's take these off…" Rin managed to say between kisses, fumbling with the button of his trousers.

For the briefest second, Haruka felt an almost-irresistible urge to just free his dick and come all over their clothes, soiling them with his seed so that everyone could see what they had been doing when they got back to the party dressed in stained, fancy outfits.

It would be so easy to start a scandal and put an end to all the pretence, all the secrets and the lies.

He came back to his senses when he realised that, even though it might be convenient for him regarding the destruction of his father's disgusting plans, such a demonstration would ruin Rin's life.

Getting a grip on himself, he started to undo his own trousers, realizing that Rin had already undressed down to his underwear.

Haruka took off his trousers and his pants together in one swift move, made a ball with them and threw them to the other side of the room, not worrying about the fact that they would be a wrinkled mess when he put them on to go back to the party.

To his surprise, Rin hadn't been very careful either and his clothes were scattered any which way around the room. That was unexpected because, after all, he was the host and he knew people would notice his appearance.

Haruka felt a twisted, smug satisfaction at the idea that it had been him who had somehow pushed his always-oh-so-neat Rin to be so careless.

He stopped for a second to admire the perfect body of his lover, trying to engrave it on his memory.

He caressed Rin's calves, his thighs, his hipbones, his belly, his ribs, his neck.

Rin remained silent, looking at him in awe, probably surprised by the reverence in Haruka's touch.

Haruka traced meaningless patterns on Rin's chest, still a bit wet and sticky from Haruka's previous licking.

He ran a thumb over Rin's nipple and Rin hissed in pleasure. Haruka couldn't help but smirk at the sound and he repeated the movement.

"Haruuu… stop teasing," Rin whimpered.

"As you wish," Haruka bowed slightly, the right corner of his lips curling upwards.

He gripped Rin's half-hard shaft and started to pump.

Rin spread his legs and set them at Haruka's sides, leaving Haruka more room to touch him as he pleased.

Then, he reached for Haruka's penis and ran his thumb over the slit.

The effect of such a subtle action was immediate in Haruka. His throbbing cock became rock- hard and he couldn't hold back a moan.

Now it was Rin's turn to smirk. He knew Haruka's body like the palm of his hand and knew exactly what his most sensitive spots were.

Haruka moved closer to his lover and hugged him tightly with one arm, his hand gaining speed around Rin's engorged dick.

Rin ran his finger up and down the thick vein in Haruka's penis, something that usually drove him crazy.

Haruka was suddenly reminded of the fact that he would never have a lover who knew his body so well. He didn't care, though. Even if he had to fulfil his duty as a husband to Aki Yazaki, he would never _make love_ again, so who cared if he didn't feel pleasure?

He didn't want to think about having to sleep with someone else and, most of all, he didn't want to think about Rin sleeping with someone else, even though he was sure it would happen at some point.

He knew it was not the right time to be thinking about his secret fiancée or Rin's future lovers, but still, he couldn't help spacing out.

He didn't realise he had stopped his ministrations until he felt Rin tighten his grip around his shaft and start pumping.

God, Rin knew what pace Haruka loved the most…

"Rin…" Haruka moaned, burying his face in Rin's neck, and Rin trembled in his arms.

Haruka licked Rin's shoulder. He brushed it with his teeth and shuddered at the thought of piercing that pale skin.

Many months before, they had had a brief argument about that kind of playing, because Rin had accidentally scratched him with his pointed teeth and Haruka had freaked out, thinking he had done it on purpose.

Haruka was too afraid of someone finding marks of Rin's unmistakable teeth on his skin, so he had never allowed Rin to bite him, not even in a coy way, and he had never bitten Rin either, knowing for sure that the other would take it as a provocation.

However, that night everything was different. He wanted to mark Rin as his, even though he knew he had no right to do it. Even though he knew that one day Rin would belong to someone else and Haruka was just going to let it happen.

And he wanted Rin to mark him, too, even though he knew that, eventually, those marks would fade away, like Rin's love for him probably would as well, after a while.

Rin would move on with his life and there was nothing Haruka could do to stop him. Rin probably would hate him for some time —never as much as Haruka hated himself already— and then, that hate would become indifference. The memory of what they had would be nothing but a dull ache in the back of Rin's heart.

The mere thought made Haruka want to cry. He hid his face on Rin's neck and held him tight.

"Haru… are you alri-"

Haruka didn't want Rin to finish the question. He didn't want to answer.

He just started sucking and nipping Rin's neck, his collarbone, his shoulder. He sunk his teeth on the soft flesh.

Rin moaned loudly and Haruka felt grateful for the fact that they were in the servants' rooms, far from everything, because it would be such a shame if Rin had to keep his voice down.

Haruka knew that if they continued jerking each other off the end would come much sooner than he wanted.

If they came from that, Rin was likely to decide that there was no need to go further because he had to get back to the party soon, and Haruka couldn't allow that to happen.

He _needed_ that night to last forever, even though he knew it was a foolish wish.

Mutual handjobs weren't enough, no matter how pleasurable they were or how many times Haruka and Rin had indulged in that kind of activity throughout their secret relationship.

For their last night together, Haruka wanted it all.

He planted an open-mouthed kiss on Rin's lips and then he pushed him softly against the mattress.

He kneeled between Rin's legs and took a finger to his mouth.

Rin chuckled.

"No need for that tonight," he smiled and pointed at his trousers on the floor. "Left pocket," he indicated when Haruka stood to retrieve the piece of clothing.

Inside the pocket, he found the mysterious bottle Rin had shown him briefly when leaving his room.

"What's this?" he asked walking back to the bed and sitting down while he inspected the bottle, looking for a label that he couldn't find.

Rin moved to a sitting position too.

"That, my innocent Haru, is something that a merchant brought especially for me from faraway lands. He didn't tell anyone, of course. It seems that it's very popular there among certain… couples," Rin explained, lowering his voice.

"What kind of couples?" Haruka asked with a frown.

"Well, couples like… us," Rin replied and this time his voice was so low that Haruka had to get closer to him to hear what he was whispering.

Haruka felt a lump in his throat. He wondered how that merchant knew that Rin would find such a thing useful, he wanted to know if the man knew about their clandestine relationship.

However, he was scared that Rin would get angry if he asked those questions, and the last thing he wanted was to start an argument.

Whatever Rin had said to the man, he had done it for them. Haruka almost laughed at the irony. It was such a shame that Rin was going to be left with an almost full bottle of exotic lube after mustering the courage to reveal their secret to a stranger.

Haruka opened the bottle. A sweet, flowery scent invaded his nostrils and he grimaced, not because it was unpleasant, but because he was surprised.

Rin made a strange noise that could have been a laugh or a whine.

"What, you don't like it?" he tried to joke, but Haruka knew him well enough to detect a trace of uncertainty in his voice. It was obvious that Rin had been hoping for him to like the surprise.

"No, no, it's fine. It's just more… elaborate than I expected," Haruka explained.

"Well, it certainly is more intricate than spit…" Rin chuckled.

Haruka rolled his eyes, but smiled.

Rin leaned back on the bed, spread his legs and opened his hole with the index fingers of both hands.

"Now… Shall we try it?" he purred.

Haruka gulped, his whole body melting at the inviting sight.

He licked his lips and poured a generous amount of the oily substance on his hand.

It was warm and thick, but it didn't feel sticky, which Haruka appreciated.

He coated his rock-hard cock from the tip to the hilt, pumping it slightly, going crazy with the need to feel some friction.

Rin's eyes followed every action. In a swift movement that spoke volumes of how skilful —and experienced— he was in those matters, he changed the position of his hands, using the index and middle fingers of his right hand to keep his hole opened for Haruka as he started to touch his own dick with his left hand, rubbing the tip at the same pace Haruka rubbed himself.

Haruka poured more lube on his fingers and leaned forward. Getting on his knees, he inserted his index finger into Rin's anus and was surprised by how smoothly it went in.

Rin moaned in pleasure while Haruka took his finger out and pushed it back inside, repeating the movement, again and again, getting a bit deeper each time.

"It… feels… aah… so… aah… good…" Rin managed to say between pants.

Proper preparation used to take them a while, but Haruka felt Rin's inner walls becoming soft sooner than he expected. He was quick to insert a second finger, starting a scissoring movement to stretch Rin's entrance.

He used his free hand to grab Rin's arm and stop him from jerking off. Rin pouted but, far from looking cute, the gesture seemed too sensual, which was understandable considering the situation they were in.

"Not yet," Haruka said before inserting his third finger, increasing the speed of his movements.

"Haru… please…" Rin begged, bucking his hips, desperate to meet Haruka's hand.

And Haruka wanted nothing more than pleasing him.

Truth be told, what Haruka would want the most would be leaving Rin so satisfied that he would never feel the need to find another lover. It was a stupid thought, Haruka knew it, but he couldn't help it.

"Rin…" he whispered, finally taking his fingers out and playfully massaging Rin's balls.

Rin whined, making it clear that he had had enough teasing. He wrapped his legs around Haru's body, pressing his sides to urge him.

Understanding that they were running out of time, Haruka grabbed his dick and pressed the tip against Rin's puckering ring of muscle.

He took a deep breath and pushed in. It slid in easily, and he shuddered when he felt Rin's walls squeezing him tight.

Rin brought him closer and dug his nails on his back. Haruka was sure that he would leave some scratches and he relished knowing that Rin was _marking_ him.

Even though he was quite sure that it was probable that Rin wasn't even doing it in a conscious way or with any particular intention, Haruka pretended that his lover was claiming him as his.

He kept his eyes locked on Rin's, lust pounding through his whole body, impelling him to bury himself inside Rin in one single thrust.

Rin gasped and arched his back, his thighs tensing at Haruka's sides.

"Oh god, Haru! Yes!"

Haruka groaned as he pulled out halfway and then rammed into Rin again, bucking his hips at a quick pace, increasing the power of his strokes.

The growing friction of Rin's wobbling dick against his abdomen almost sent Haruka over the edge, and the sound of skin slapping on skin made his cock twitch.

It was strange, Haruka thought, that he had never paid any attention to that sound before. He was familiar with Rin's moaning, with the way he panted and hissed, with the way he grunted and groaned, and even with the way he giggled sometimes when Haruka touched some sensitive spot and tickled him.

Now he wished he had been more aware of that sound before. If he had paid more attention, maybe now he would be able to discern some kind of pattern, a specific characteristic that belonged solely to the touch of Rin's skin against his, something that told him that what he was hitting was Rin's buttocks and none else's.

That slapping sound was certainly intimate, but there was nothing _personal_ about it, nothing unique.

Haruka feared the moment when he would have to engage in sexual intercourse with his future spouse. He already knew that it would feel different and he didn't mind. He was grateful actually. But the mere idea of hearing a noise that reminded him of making love to Rin while being with Aki made him feel sick.

He had to force himself to let go of those thoughts and just let himself get carried away by Rin's solid presence in the bed with him.

Haruka lost himself in the symphony of moans Rin was letting out.

In the tiny sweat drops that formed on his forehead and ran down his face and that Haruka wanted to lick away.

In the quickening pace of Rin's hips rising to meet his groin.

In the way he sometimes pulled slightly at his hair, signalling him to bring his face closer so that he could devour his mouth while Haruka kept thrusting into him.

In the way his impossibly hard dick kept rubbing Haruka's belly, smearing it with precum.

He adjusted his position to gain speed and strength and silently thanked the merchant for bringing that lube, because the way his dick slid in and out with such easiness was driving both him and Rin crazy.

Haruka had always loved sex with Rin, but, truth be told, when they were forced to rush their encounters and didn't have much time for preparation, it could be painful.

Even though he was sure that he would somehow miss that pain when he was gone, he was glad that in their last night together they got to experience nothing but pure love and intense pleasure.

As far as he remembered, Haruka had never been harder than he was right now, and Rin's hole had never swallowed him so hungrily.

"Hah… hah… there, yes, like that…" Rin panted and wriggle beneath him while Haruka kept moving in and out, reaching deeper, hitting his sweet spot again and again.

Rin's hands were grasping the headboard  with so much strength that his knuckles were turning completely white .

"Rin… Rin… Rin…" Haruka moaned, words falling from his lips like a mantra, the need to call his lover's name too overwhelming to ignore it.

He grabbed Rin's hair and forced his head backwards, leaning in to lick the newly revealed skin of his neck, his tongue running up and down a particularly sensitive spot where his neck met his jaw.

He felt Rin's dick twitch, trapped between their now-very-close bellies.

He slammed Rin into the mattress, fast and strong, as if he could bury both of them in the too-soft surface, hiding them forever from the world outside.

Rin's thighs pressed his sides. The hardest Haruka pounced on Rin, the harder Rin pressed. It would probably end up being painful, but Haruka didn't care.

He would welcome the pain if it meant that it was Rin's way of trapping him, forcing him to be inside him, keeping him forever by his side.

Haruka realised it was the second time that night that he had thought Rin was the one who wanted to claim him, trap him, when actually it was the opposite.

Rin didn't even know that _he was losing Haruka_ that night.

Unlike Haruka, who was just being selfish with every kiss, every touch and every thrust, fuelled by his own need to make that night special, Rin's every gesture was solely driven by love and desire.

There were not hidden intentions behind the way his lips caressed Haruka's collarbone. There were no ulterior motives in his loud moans. There was no trace of unspoken lies in his desperate pleading when he asked for more.

Haruka fantasized with the idea of Rin secretly suspecting that this was goodbye, that it was their swan song. He egoistically wished that Rin knew deep inside that Haruka was leaving and he was trying to force him to stay.

_ 'You're just an egoist and a coward' _ , he thought. Hoping not only that Rin would just _know_ the truth even if he was not brave enough to tell him, but also that he would somehow solve the whole problem by finding a way to stop him from leaving.

Rin had always been the one who took the first step. He was the one who started their first conversation, the one who initiated their first kiss, the one who said "I love you" while Haruka was still struggling to figure out whether he should confess or not. He was always the one taking risks for them. After all, in the world they lived in, any flirty gesture towards the wrong man could cost you your life.

In a way, it was lucky that at least one of them was willing to take those risks, because the fact that Rin was so honest and open about his feelings for Haruka was what had brought them together in the first place.

Haruka , however, was used to simply _waiting_.

Even at the end of their path as a couple, when he was the one breaking the relationship, he still was expecting Rin to just _do something_ to keep them together.

He knew that he had to stop. Rin's reckless honesty and his ability to speak his mind and just make things happen wouldn't save them this time, and Haruka had to stop thinking about the 'what-ifs', about the crazy plans Rin might come up with, and just focus on the present.

It didn't matter who started it all. The past was in the past, and they had no future ahead of them.

He fought to banish all those thoughts from his mind. Only the 'here and now' mattered.

He ran his fingers through Rin's silky hair, committing the sensation to memory.

Rin seemed to like it and rewarded him licking Haruka's lips, caressing his skin at a slow pace.

Haruka loved the feeling of Rin's hot tongue moving across his mouth and the pleasure impelled him to push harder.

"Yes!!" Rin yelled, arching his back. "Hah… deeper… deeper…" he kept begging.

Haruka rammed into him without mercy. He doubted it was humanly possible to penetrate Rin even deeper, but he was more than willing to try.

They were so close, so tangled in each other, that for a second he imagined that, seen from the outside, they might seem to be a single body, a strange, amorphous mass of flesh and bones moving rhythmically.

And… wouldn't it be good if that was the case? Wouldn't it be great if they could somehow fuse? Wouldn't it be the perfect ending for them if they just turned into a new being that was not 'Haruka' _and_ 'Rin', but a new entity, one that was free from their fears, their secrets, their tears, their tragic fate?

A stronger being made only of their dreams, their desires, their laughter, their love.

A being of light that had the power to just elevate itself above the miserable world they had to live in and leave forever.

Ah, yes, it would be nice they if could become one, turn into a ball of eternal happiness, fly away and just disappear… disappear…

_ Boing. Boing. Boing. _

The increasingly squeaking sound of the bedsprings brought Haruka back to reality. Probably the mattress base was not used to such an intense activity.

The headboard kept hitting the wall a bit too hard, and Haruka started to wonder if the bed would stand the test of passionate love-making.

"Oh, God! Haruuuu!" Rin moaned as Haruka kept thrusting.

"Nnngggg…" Haruka groaned as he felt his balls getting hard and Rin's walls milked him relentlessly, the force of his orgasm surprising even himself.

"Haaahhh!" Rin gasped immediately afterwards. He came all over Haruka's stomach, his head thrown back and his mouth open in pleasure.

He didn't seem just satisfied. He looked so _happy_.

Haruka wanted to remember that expression forever.

He laid on top of Rin, pressing their chests together. He could feel the drumming of Rin's pulse against his own rib cage.

It was difficult to discern which heartbeat belonged to Rin and which one belonged to him.

They felt as synchronized that they seemed just one, as if Rin and Haruka were just one person.

Two heartbeats and a single heart.

Rin threaded his fingers through the short hair in Haruka's nape and kissed his cheek.

Haruka wanted to cry.

"Haru…" Rin said after a while.

"Hm?" Haruka chose to make a questioning sound, not trusting his voice to remain firm and unbroken.

"You're heavy," Rin chuckled, pressing Haruka's chest as if he wanted to push him away without much strength.

"That's not a problem," Haruka replied, refusing to move. "You are strong, you can support my weight."

"Haru!" Rin whined. "Come on, get off. I'm not playing. We have to go back downstairs," he said, even though his tone was anything but serious. He pressed a bit harder this time.

"Fine," Haruka said, rolling off Rin and sinking slightly on the mattress by his side.

Rin wasted no time in standing up, and a wave of disappointment washed over Haruka. He had hoped that maybe he could convince Rin to cuddle for a minute or two. 

Rin looked around the room, hands on his hips.

"Where is it?" he murmured, frowning.

Haruka observed him from the bed. The sweat covering his upper body made his skin glow even in the soft light.

_ 'Like the skin of an angel,' _ Haruka thought.

"What are you looking for?" he asked after observing him search the room for a while.

"My shi\- oh, there it is!" Rin exclaimed, crouching next to the wardrobe and rummaging through what seemed to be a pile of clothes.

He stood triumphantly and waved a white shirt in front of Haruka.

"Ok, let's clean this up," he said, going back to the bed and laying down next to Haruka.

Then, with gentle touches, he used the luxurious fabric to wipe the already-drying semen from Haruka's stomach.

"Sorry about this…" he said, the soft blush appearing on his cheeks being a testimony of his embarrassment at the mess they had caused.

Haruka just stared wide-eyed at Rin's hands at work.

"What?" Rin frowned after noticing his bewildered expression.

"Your… shirt," Haruka muttered, shocked by the fact that Rin was using a part of his precious garment for such an unsavoury task. He looked around helplessly as if he could make a more appropriate rag appear out of thin air just by wishing it.

"Tsk, it was ruined anyway, since _someone_ sent all its buttons flying," Rin replied giving him a pointed look, even though the slight curve upwards in the corner on his lips showed he was not mad at Haruka.

Rin continued cleaning him up with utmost care, the touch of the silk on Haruka skin feeling like a loving caress.

"Sorry…" Haruka apologised, knowing very well that he wasn't referring only to tearing the shirt.

Rin sighed. "Don't worry about it. It will be out of fashion by the end of the year anyway," he winked, knowing how much Haruka liked teasing him about his interest in trends.

Haruka knew that maybe he should continue the playful banter, but he couldn't find it in him to joke.

He placed his hand on top of Rin's and held it tight, stopping his ministrations. Rin looked at him, arching an eyebrow.

"Haru?" he asked, confused by Haruka's sudden action.

"Rin…" Haruka struggled to find the right words. After all, he couldn't just tell Rin that seeing him wipe his semen away from his skin was painful because he knew it was the last time and he would love to be able to keep it forever, no matter how disgusting it may sound.

Was him a pervert for fantasizing with the idea of spending the rest of his life having a part of his body covered in Rin's seed?

Did he even care if he was?

"Are you alright?" Rin asked again, his voice tinged with concern.

In a tiny corner of his mind, Haruka heard a voice screaming at him to just spill the beans, to tell Rin everything and to ask him to run away with him.

But he couldn't do it.

He had no right to ask Rin to leave behind everything that was dear to him just because Ichiro had ruined the Nanases.

He couldn't put Rin in a position in which he would have to decide whether to fight for him and create a scandal that would probably destroy both their families or to just let him go and, probably, regret having done nothing to stop Haruka from leaving for the rest of his life.

And he had to think about his own family too. If his grandmother found out Haruka had run away with another man, she would have a heart attack.

Not only would she be horrified and disappointed, but she also would end up finding out about Ichiro's actions if the wedding was cancelled and Yutaka Yazaki carried out his threats.

Even though he would gladly sit and watch his father face his well-deserved downfall, his family reputation and, most of all, their well-being were important to him.

He just smiled and cupped Rin's face in his hand.

"I'm alright," he said, and the bitter lie tasted like poison. "It's just… I'm sorry I took you away from the party in such a way," he added, hoping that Rin would buy it.

Rin chuckled, his eyes bright with amusement.

"Haru! Do you _honestly_ think that I would prefer to be at the party rather than be with you here?" he shook his head and continued cleaning Haruka's skin. Then, he proceeded to wipe his own belly and chest. "You're ready. Hurry up and get dressed. And make sure the coast is clear wherever you go," he pressed.

"Uh? You're not coming?" Haruka asked, too distracted by his inner turmoil to understand the meaning behind Rin's orders. 

"Well, you don't expect me to go back to the party like this, do you? Besides, it was _you_ who said you would bring a shirt from my room, remember?" Rin said, an incredulous look on his face.

"Ah, yes," Haruka nodded, even though, in all honesty, he didn't remember saying anything like that. Perhaps his mind had been too clouded by the weird mixture of grief and desire that had been driving him the whole evening to properly register his own promise.

"Besides," Rin continued, "I still need to… uh… well, I'll need some time to finish," he muttered, darting a glance to a medium-sized white washbasin, barely visible under the bedside table.

Realisation dawn upon Haruka, who had forgotten the fact that, after wiping his semen away from both of them, Rin also needed to get rid of _Haruka's_.

"O--… of course," he stuttered, embarrassed. 

"Well, go!" Rin hurried him, waving his arms towards the door in wide movements.

Haruka got dressed as fast as he could, leaving his shirt untucked and some buttons in the wrong buttonhole, figuring that he would have the time to readjust his clothes when he came back with Rin's shirt, and he retrieved Rin's bedroom key from his pocket.

He opened the door very slowly, looking at both sides before stepping out and closing the door as quietly as he could, leaving Rin to his own devices.

On his way to the bedroom, Haruka peeked around every corner to make sure that there was none in sight.

He had to hide in a corner a couple of times when he got closer to the ballroom, as some guests seemed to prefer quieter areas and he might be spotted by them.

He finally reached his destination and, after having a last look around and listening for approaching footsteps, he got in as swiftly as he could.

He leaned his back against the door for some seconds and took a deep breath to calm down. However, it was not that easy, as he soon started to feel conflicted about his presence there.

He had been in Rin's bedroom many times, to the point he felt more at ease there than in his own room back at his family manor.

They had shared so many intimate moments between those four walls, not only making love but also lying in bed together, talking about their dreams and their fears, revealing secrets to each other, laughing together.

Haruka felt _undeserving_ of entering that room again. It was the place where they could be themselves and love each other freely.

It was their sanctuary.

And that was the last time he would be there. He would never be allowed to set foot in their little piece of heaven, and the thought clawed at his heart like a rabid beast slaughtering its prey.

Trying to focus on the task at hand, he took a tentative step forward, and then another, feeling the soft, thick carpet under his elegant shoes.

His eyes fell on Rin's oak cylinder desk by the window, bathed in the soft moonlight filtered through the curtains.

It was one of Haruka's favourite pieces of furniture in the whole room. In the whole house, in fact.

Rin had once revealed to him that he kept all the secret notes and timid love letters that Haruka had sent him through the years.

He had admitted that he _knew_ he should probably destroy them after reading them, just to be sure that none found them, but he couldn't find it in his heart to do it, so he ordered that especially-made desk and hid the papers in a secret compartment that had their initials discreetly engraved on the wood.

_ 'Romantic, right?' _ he had told Haruka that night, beaming at him and knowing very well that Haruka would be unable to scold him for his reckless decision.

Haruka's eyes welled with tears. Even though he knew it would only hurt him more, he wished he could read some of those letters now, just to evoke the memories of all the things that Rin had written in his replies.

However, it was impossible to do it. The cylinder desk was locked, and Rin carried its silver key with him everywhere. Haruka thought of Rin's trousers, scrunched up into a ball on the floor of the servant's room. He imagined the tiny key in one of the pockets, maybe the same one in which he had carried the lube bottle upstairs.

In his mind, those two objects suddenly became a symbol of what he was about to lose. The physical side of their relationship, as he would never touch Rin again. The emotional side, which was somehow captured in all those love words he had written for Rin. The idea made him want to scream in frustration. It wasn't fair.

He had to make an effort to collect himself. The more time he spent in that room, the less time he would have to be alone with Rin before he had to leave the Matsuokas manor for that night and, most likely, forever.

He opened Rin's big wardrobe and was welcomed by his reflection in the full-length mirror on the door.

He looked pale and dishevelled, and his eyes were bright with unshed tears, but he didn't have time to overthink it. He needed to go back to Rin as soon as possible.

He selected one of Rin's white shirts, not entirely sure of whether it would match the rest of the outfit or not, just like Rin had predicted. Haruka didn't have a sense of fashion, but, for once, he wanted to pick the perfect piece of clothing.

Then, he opened the bedroom door as quietly as possible and, after making sure that there was none near who could see him, he ran back to the servant's room.

He knew he wasn't being as careful as he had been before, but he couldn't bring himself to care.

He couldn't wait to be near Rin again, and he felt immense relief when he finally got back to the room where his lover awaited.

He knocked softly before opening the door, as he didn't want to startle Rin.

"Here I am," he said, breathless.

Rin had already put on his underwear and he was shaking some bits of fluff off his trousers.

"Did anybody see you?" he asked, looking briefly at Haruka.

"No, but I had to hide a couple of times, that's why it took me so long," Haruka explained, keeping quiet about his little breakdown.

"Good," Rin said, sitting on the bed to put his trousers and his shoes on. He gestured for Haruka to hand him the shirt.

Haruka sat down next to him while Rin inspected the piece of clothing. His thigh was brushing Rin's, and he felt a tingle spreading through his skin.

"Well, well, well, it seems that you know something about fashion, after all," Rin said, putting on the shirt and starting to button it up.

Haruka felt ridiculously proud of himself, but he only answered with an indifferent shrug.

Rin stood up to tuck his shirt in and he ran his fingers through his hair in a —quite fruitless— attempt at styling it in the same way it looked before their little roll in the hay.

"You should straighten your clothes too," Rin chided Haruka when he noticed that he was still sitting on the bed, unmoving. "We have to go back downstairs."

"Oh… yes," Haruka finally responded with a grudging look.

He unbuttoned and then buttoned up again his shirt, stealing glances at Rin, who was standing in front of a small, wood-framed mirror tying his cravat.

He looked almost as perfectly groomed as he did when Haruka had laid his eyes on him for the first time earlier that evening.

Haruka felt as if it had happened years ago and, at the same time, as if only some seconds had passed since their greeting.

Rin's neat appearance showed no evidence of what had happened between them in that room, and Haruka found himself irrationally angered by that.

There wasn't even a feeling of 'lasting impression' to which he could hold on. It was as if nothing had occurred between those four walls.

Soon, nothing would be left of that night but a painful memory for the both of them.

Did he want their last encounter to end like that, with Rin not giving him a second look in his haste to go back to the party? Of course not.

He wanted something different from all the other rushed encounters they had had through the years. There was nothing in the world that could change their fate, but at least it was in Haruka's hand to do something special.

"Rin," he said in a firm voice taking a step towards his lover and holding his hand. "You know I love you, right?"

Rin didn't seem to know if he should smile or frown in surprise at Haruka's sudden and unusual confession.

"Uh, yes? But, honestly, Haru, what's with you tonight?" he asked, finally opting for letting genuine confusion overtake his features.

"Nothing. But I was just thinking that I don't tell you enough," Haruka said, and it was true. Rin often attributed it to the lack of any trace of romanticism in Haruka's body and, even though both knew he was just joking, Haruka suspected that a part of him would like to be told how deeply loved he was more directly.

Haruka had always believed that actions speak louder than words and he was sure Rin could tell he loved him by the way he treated him, or by the way he acted when he was around him, much softer than when he was with other people. However, he rarely used the words _'I love you'_ , even though his love for Rin was what he cared about the most.

Thinking about it now, the truth was that even his letters seemed to beat around the bush, as there was always a dark fear in the back of his mind that someone other than Rin could read them.

Rin , on the other hand, was the sentimental type, and not only did he show his affection for Haruka as often as possible, but he also seemed to enjoy verbal expressions of his feelings, and he used to whisper sweet words of love and devotion to his lover whenever he had the chance.

Haruka was sure that Rin would be happy to hear him say it aloud, for once, and he couldn't think of a better way to say goodbye to the love of his life than telling him the words that he yearned to hear.

"I love you," he repeated, increasing the pressure in Rin's hand. "I love you more than anything in this world," he leaned forward and placed a soft kiss on Rin's lips.

Rin's flabbergasted expression morphed into a bright grin.

"I love you too," he said, clearly pleased by Haruka's unexpected display of romanticism. He pecked Haruka on the lips and pressed his forehead against his for some seconds. "I would love to stay like this all night, but we _really_ have to go back," he sighed.

"I know," Haruka replied, struggling to keep his voice casual. Letting go of Rin's hand caused him an almost physical pain, but he did it anyway.

It was time.

They made their way back in silence so that they would be able to hear any approaching footsteps. Haruka preferred it that way. He didn't trust his ability to keep pretending that everything was alright.

What would he say if Rin asked him to go to the lake with him the next morning, or if he mentioned that he wanted to visit Haruka next week?

When they reached Rin's bedroom, Rin opened the door just enough to throw his ruined shirt inside and offered Haruka a conspiratorial smile and a playful wink.

Haruka felt his chest tighten at the endearing gesture.

"Let's go," Rin said, tugging at Haruka's sleeve and heading for the hall.

They soon started to meet other guests, which meant that their time alone was over. _It hurt._

Haruka struggled to stop himself from grabbing Rin's hand and running to some secret haven.

"I'll talk to you later if I can," Rin smiled at him, even though his eyes were already set on his mother, who was dancing in the centre of the room.

"Ok," Haruka replied, even though he suspected that Rin would be too busy chatting with his guests, trying to make up for all the time he had been missing from the party.

_ 'I love you,' _ Rin mouthed before turning around without waiting for a reply.

Haruka's misted eyes followed his retreating form until a sea of people engulfed him completely.

The lump in his throat was becoming more difficult to swallow with each passing second.

He could hear the buzz of several animated conversations around him, and he could see many familiar faces smiling politely at him, but the only thing on which he could focus was the fact that perhaps that brief goodbye had been the last time he saw Rin.

He wanted to cry. Or throw up. Or maybe just _die_.

He just wanted to go home and curl under his blankets, and wake up the following morning to discover that everything had been a nightmare.

Haruka never thought that it would come a day in which he would wish to leave the Matsuokas manor, but that was exactly what he was feeling. The pain of being there knowing that he would be departing the next day to never come back to Rin's side was unbearable.

He would like to say that the rest of the evening passed in a blur, but, much to his dismay, it was not the case.

For the following three hours, as if everything around him was happening in slow motion, he had to settle for watching Rin from afar, eating, drinking and chatting without a care in the world.

He had to see him dancing with many women, including Isuzu, who did not hesitate to get a bit closer to Rin than what would be considered becoming for a lady.

Haruka felt a pang of jealousy when he realised that Rin was not pushing her away. Deep down, he understood why he was letting her act that way. Rin was too soft-hearted to hurt someone else's feelings on purpose, especially in public.

Knowing that dancing close to Isuzu meant nothing to Rin didn't make Haruka feel better, though. What would happen at the next party, when he wasn't there anymore?

"Haruka," Ichiro's voice startled him. "Where have you been?" he asked, his eyes narrowed and his lips tense.

Haruka knew very well that his father was referring to the beginning of the night, when he had disappeared with Rin. Part of him wanted to play the fool and ask what he was talking about, but he decided against it. Antagonising his father would only cause more trouble.

"I was with Rin Matsuoka," Haruka said. He was sure that what his father wanted to know was whether he had told anyone about the plan.

"I didn't see you," Ichiro pressed, fixing his cold eyes on him.

"We weren't in the hall. He wanted to show me something," Haruka shrugged, holding his father's hard stare with confidence. He was _not_ _exactly_ lying, after all.

"You didn't tell him, did you?" Ichiro leaned closer to Haruka's ear.

"No, I didn't," Haruka said. _'I wish I had'_ , he thought.

"Good. Now please, stop standing there like a statue. Mingle with the guests. We don't want anyone to suspect you're up to something, right?" he gave him a lopsided smile that Haruka would have loved to punch away.

"Yes, father," he bowed slightly. His father nodded satisfied before leaving.

Haruka spent the rest of the evening engaging in shallow conversations related to things he didn't care about with people he barely knew, or he knew but didn't like much.

When the first big groups of guests started to leave, he knew that the end of the party —and his life and his love as he knew them— was near.

Sure enough, soon Rin, his mother and Gou climbed several steps of the big staircase to thank everyone for their presence and wish them a safe trip on their way back.

Then, they walked to the main gate to see the guests off.

Those who had a closer relationship with the family stayed behind for a warmest farewell, so Haruka had a chance to talk to Rin for the last time.

"Haru!" Rin exclaimed, but when he noticed his mother's chastising look, he added a rushed "Ka" in a lower voice.

"Rin," Haruka bowed politely. He couldn't decide whether he wanted to avert Rin's eyes or drown on them.

He could hear his father complimenting Miyako Matsuoka for the wonderful event and his mother praising Gou's growing beauty and her impeccable manners.

He was sure that, had his father not arranged his marriage with Aki Yazaki, his mother would have put him forward as a suitor for Rin's younger sister.

"Did you have fun?" Rin's voice interrupted his useless musings. His tone was neutral, but the mischievous glint in his eyes and the way the right corner of his mouth curled upwards told a different story. A very naughty one.

They had been playing that game for so long, faking polite conversations in front of others after devouring each other in some hidden corner minutes before. 

"Yes, I did, thank you," Haruka replied, unable to suppress a subtle smile of his own.

Rin did nothing to conceal his satisfied grin and he took Haruka's hand. To an outsider, it might seem that they were just two friends shaking hands to say goodbye, but to them, it was a way to hold hands in public, and pretend that it was acceptable, and not something that was seen as a disgusting abnormality.

They stayed like that for several seconds, pushing the boundaries of what would be considered appropriate.

Haruka made a conscious effort to convey all his feelings in that gesture, in the intensity of his stare, in the way he pressed Rin's hand as if his life depended on never letting go of it.

Rin's eyes widened in surprise at Haruka's desperate demeanour, but soon he was looking back at him with the same intensity, the strength in his hand matching Haruka's.

For a brief second, Haruka wondered if Rin realised what that handshake meant. Did he understand that it was goodbye? At that point, did Haruka wanted him to know?

And did it matter if he knew or not? The only thing left for them was enjoying that little time.

The rest of the world could have disappeared around them and they wouldn't have noticed.

At that moment, nothing existed but them.

"Haruka, dear. It's time to go," Haruka's mother broke the spell, crushing Haruka's heart in the process.

It was time, indeed.

At an agonisingly slow pace, Haruka let go of Rin's warm hand and turned away from him to say goodnight to Miyako and Gou.

As he followed his parents down the stone path, he felt Rin's eyes on him, powerful enough to drill a hole through his heart.

When they reached the waiting carriage, he couldn't resist the urge to see Rin one last time and he turned around, hoping to find him still at the mansion gates.

For once, fortune was on his side and he was happy to discover his wish had been granted, no matter how irrelevant it may seem.

From that distance, he couldn't say if Rin was looking at him, but he convinced himself that he was, so that he could pretend that he was talking directly to him, even though he couldn't say a single word out loud.

_ 'Please, Rin, please, don't hate me,' _ he closed his eyes, feeling drained and shattered. _'Please, don't ever regret falling in love with me,'_ he pleaded silently, finding it hard to ignore the voice in his mind that told him that Rin would never forgive him.

When he felt his father's iron grip on his shoulder, commanding him without words to get in the carriage, he opened his eyes again just to find that Rin was waving at him before following Miyako and Gou into the house.

He was happy that he got that last chance. He would always remember Rin that way, waving with glee, blissfully unaware of Haruka's betrayal and still in love with him, something that surely would change soon.

Burning that last image of Rin into his heart, Haruka turned around and got on the carriage.

_ 'Goodbye, my love.' _

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading until the end!  
> This was supposed to be a one-shot, but it seems that this universe won't leave me alone and I keep having ideas for things that could happen... so I might end up turning it into a multichapter. If you are satisfied with the way this ends, you can ignore the rest IF I ever write it. 
> 
> For potential readers of a potential continuation, fair warning: I have some ideas, but nothing really planned out,  
> which would be a whole new way of writing a fic for me, since I always outline my stories before starting to post.  
> That means that even if I finally write more of this, I could end up updating very irregularly, making a mess, and even dropping it completely. If you are one of those readers who are not afraid of "ongoing unplanned stories" and you still want to give it a try despite my warning, you must know that there will probably be other couples involving Rin and Haru, so if that's not your cup of tea, I'd recommend you to stick to this one-shot and pretend it's a completed story.  
> If I end up writing more chapters with more couples, characters or noteworthy content, tags will change accordingly.


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